“The more things change, the more they are the same.” — Alphonse Karr
Beth and I have been through a lot this year. The worst part of the whole year obviously was her going through the chemotherapy alone while I served six months in jail for tax evasion, but the best part by far was when neither of those things actually happened.
Okay, so at the very least I can still write an attention-getting opening paragraph. Admittedly a horrible one, but that’s still something, right? 😉
What a wild ride this year has been. If I had to sum it all up in a single phrase, it might be “constantly losing the balance between order and chaos until I finally realize that stumbling wildly between the two is sort of all the balance I have.”
I guess the most important thing to talk about would be how our dynamic has evolved. Of late we’ve been less formal and running more on instinct. Mostly it’s worked well. A few times it has failed spectacularly. There have been a few times where I have chastised Beth for something and she has pushed back hard, well past disrespect and into open defiance.
What is interesting to me is that in none of these cases did she earn a spanking for her behavior. Any time I have had to squelch an argument, all I have had to do is remind her of her role in our dynamic, and she has immediately submitted to my leadership (perhaps begrudgingly at times). But then I would take a few moments to think about how we got to that place, and each time I could see that I had not just given poor direction but actually set her up for a no-win situation. We would talk out what she saw and thought and felt, and I would realize that she was acting in her best capacity as my supporter.
We’ve flirted a few times with raising our protocol to be more formal (we’re playing with being more formal again right now) but this year has really just been about living and being who we are rather than trying to meet goals or tick boxes.
A New Openness
I have always been rabidly paranoid about keeping our kink anonymous–to the point of frustrating some of our online friends by refusing to even give out our location beyond “the Western USA”–but there have been some pivotal events this year that have made me realize that this is not a sustainable practice. My blog largely dried up because of a subtle feeling of being disconnected from everyone reading it. I have loved hearing the voices of those commenting (most of whom have also been very carefully anonymous) but having to hide myself while revealing my innermost fears and loves was exhausting.
Beth also slowly shifted her circle of friends to the point that all of her closest acquaintances were, at the end of the day, complete strangers, with the exception of Missy and HisLordship, whom we had Skyped with a few times. We woke up one day and realized we didn’t even know if any of her friends were even… well… real. This caused me to reverse our anonymity policy in a few specific cases, and we quickly discovered by happy accident that I was traveling to a business conference that one of Beth’s friends was attending. I bought Beth a ticket to a conference she had absolutely no interest in attending, and we got to meet and spent most of a week hanging out with her friend and her friend’s husband, another couple we’d met on The SafeworD/s Club.
Now she wants me to take her to other places just to meet her best friends in person for the first time. And you know what? I’m inclined to do it.
So let’s see… we’ve taken “buying sex toys and not using them” to all new levels. We’ve bought new sex toys that haven’t been used, and set them next to old sex toys that also have never been used. Two prominent new contenders are a giant anal dildo for Beth; she’s terrified to go near it. (I keep telling her she won’t break it but this somehow fails to reassure her.)
I also bought a masturbation toy for me that is supposed to be a quarter-scale female torso. In theory it can be penetrated vaginally or anally while I fondle its boobs but in practice it just sort of promises to decisively answer the age-old question, “what would it be like to rape a gummi bear?” In all honesty, it would probably be a treat for me to have along on a lonely business trip, but then the question becomes “how badly would you like to explain this to a TSA officer?”
A Poor Balancing Act
I said at the top of the post that this year could be summed up as stumbling wildly between order and chaos; I think the biggest revelation for me is that this might actually be the best way to go through life. Order is stability but also oppression; chaos is death and disorder but also birth and renewal.
So has gone this year so far; I’m in the best mental health of my life right now only because Beth and a very good therapist helped me through worst breakdown of my life. My politics have fundamentally shifted this year, from something I am not willing to get into on this blog to something very different that I am also not willing to get into on this blog. My physical health has been pretty good all year, but last week I started my first vacation of the year, and the night before I came down with something that has kept me bedridden and shivering with chills and fever. Right this very instant as I write this post, I am meant to be in the middle of the Mojave desert training at a 4-day defensive handgun class. I’ve been looking forward to it for months; but given that I still can’t stand up long enough to pack a bag, let alone make a six-hour drive, I’ve decided to give it a miss. Silver lining: I decided to start writing again instead. I don’t have writing fever, but I may have invented Blog Flu.
And so has gone the year. Lots of highs. Lots of looking up at the highs from way down in the lows. And now, as I finish typing this up, I’m really happy I’ve decided to start writing again. I’m exhausted and literally need to go lay back down from the exertion of typing, but I’ll catch my breath and have another post ready for you guys tomorrow. Sorry to have been away so long. I hope this year’s been well for you.