One of the hardest things Beth and I had to learn as we entered D/s was to let me fail.
Think about all the things you want to get right in your relationship. You get into D/s and you learn that you need to communicate. You need to control your temper. You need to stay in your roles. You need to this you need to that.
When you’re first starting out, I think feedback is really valuable. If you’re a sub and your Dom is new, you absolutely should talk with your Dom about what went right and what went wrong.
But should you do it in the moment? When they’re about to do something you don’t like and you know they’re going to kick themselves afterward… should you say something?
I don’t think the answer is always unconditionally no. You shouldn’t let your Dom get into a car accident because it’s disrespectful to yell “LOOK OUT!”. And it should go without saying that if you choose to let your Dom fail because you enjoy watching them screw up, then maybe you need to do some serious soul searching about the real reason your D/s isn’t working. No, I’m talking about the times when you want your Dom to succeed and they’re handling the situation in a way that’s not going to be the best.
One of the hardest things for subs to learn in this situation is to let go and let failure happen.
I don’t like to fail. But when I fail I get really motivated to learn to do it right. If I’m about to fail and Beth steps in and helps me, I don’t always get the lesson. More importantly, I absolutely do get the lesson that when I’m close to a leadership failure, Beth will step in and help right the ship a little bit. Honestly, I appreciate the help. But that doesn’t make it a good thing. It’s my job to keep the ship righted.
What Beth gets out of the power exchange is the freedom to not worry about keeping the ship righted. So sometimes, when the ship is tipping, and she can see it’s tipping, and she really wants to reach out a hand to steady it… the most important thing in the world is for her to keep her good little submissive hands submissively at her submissive sides.
It’s Daddy’s boat. Daddy needs to learn to keep it righted all by himself. That’s literally my only job in this relationship. Until Beth let it tip over the first time, there really was no true expectation that I would have to get it right.
I can’t begin to tell you how powerful this is. Because until Beth let me fail, I could not ever own any of my own successes.
And it gets even better, because nothing takes the fear of failure out of you like actually failing and then realizing that everything is okay. And when the fear of failure is gone, you can crash into it and then laugh and get right back up on your feet and carry on. There’s no wallowing or beating myself up or thinking I’ll never get this right. There’s just “oh hey, this happened, and my next move is to clean up the mess I made.”
If you set your Dom up for failure, then by all means you deserve whatever punishment they deal out (and I hope for your sake that it’s particularly memorable). But if you want to set your Dom up for success, you have to give up the urge to help them balance. Let them tip over, and let them see that it’s fine. Let them learn to get back up, clean things up, and move on.
Let them own it.