Today I got after Beth for a mistake, and I think I did almost everything wrong. I may have done one or two things right but I’m not sure. I’d love to hear your thoughts and advice. What’s a Dom with ADD to do?
A few weeks ago I ordered a computer accessory from Amazon. It was moderately expensive, about $60 or so, and when it arrived… it did not work. I tossed it back into the box, went to Amazon and told them I wanted to return it. I didn’t want a replacement as the device appeared to work fine; it just did not appear to be compatible with my particular laptop. Amazon emailed me a shipping label, but since I’ve moved my office in the house I no longer have a printer. I shoved it on the back burner and decided I’d deal with it later.
Now, a couple of things. I have ADD, and this is a classic example of how being a Dom with ADD is incompatible with the Fifty Shades kind of D/s, where Christian is constantly hypervigilant of Anastasia and her every move. We’ve had to adapt a lot of common D/s advice; where some Doms double down on micromanaging their subs, I just can’t. Half of being smart is knowing what you’re dumb at, and one of the things I’m really dumb at is putting things on the back burner. Why? I’ll tell you why.
I have ADD. The stove in my mind has no back burners. Behind the front burners you will find only “things that have fallen down behind the stove”. (ADD does mean I have seventeen front burners, but that’s a post for another day.) A day or two after getting the email from Amazon I found the box and realized I had forgotten all about it. I knew I needed to get it handled, but I didn’t have time to deal with it right then, so I did the next best thing: I told Beth about it.
Delegating to Beth is possibly the only part of this whole mess that I got right. I’m not ever going to get good at micromanaging or keeping track of minutiae. Beth is very good at that and I am very bad at it. A lot of Doms are very good at this, and that’s great – if that’s your forte then by all means use it. But it’s my kryptonite and playing to my weakness is not a wise move. Now then, back to the things I screwed up.
I didn’t give Beth a deadline, other than to say “Amazon needs this back in a couple of weeks or they won’t give us a refund”. She nodded and went back to her chores. This may have been a mistake. We have a big planning board where we write down appointments that are important. I’m usually the one to remind Beth that it is possible to “make an appointment with yourself”, so I could have picked an arbitrary time slot for her to take care of the package. Had I done so right then, I’m sure we’d already have our refund and the matter would be closed.
As you may have already guessed this is a story about a package that did not get returned to Amazon. Let’s pause here and let me put it to you: how would you have given this task to your sub to ensure it got done? If you’re the sub, how do you best receive and handle tasks like this one. You know the sort, the “oh yeah, we need to do this” kind of task, where it’s a one-off task, outside your routine, where the task isn’t hard but you have to remember to do it. Things like mailing a package, calling a repairman, or buying a new faucet.
I want to talk about the distractions that happened between then and now, and about how I screwed up handling the reminder tonight when I looked over and saw the unlabeled box still sitting out on a shelf, but I’ll write more about that tomorrow.
For now, I’m genuinely asking what works for you. I understand each of you have different dynamics. If this is the sort of thing that Simply Never Happens In Your Home™ because your Dom rules with an iron fist and you never receive instructions from them but what you jump right to task and it’s priority one, that’s great! I’d bet you don’t have this sort of problem very often. I’d love to hear how that works for you and if there are other problems as a result of there being no such thing as “priority 2”. If your Dom casually hands you things to handle and forgets they asked you and you forget to do it, then I want to hear how this affects you and especially if you have any ideas for taking care of it. And of course, if you are prone to this sort of problem but simply don’t experience it anymore because you have a great system worked out to handle it, then please, I’m begging you to smash that reply button and weigh in.
If you’re in a relationship where the sub is the distractible one and the Dom has their act together, then I welcome your opinions as well, but perhaps in the other direction. This is the more classic D/s situation, of course; the sub notifies the Dom and the Dom makes a decision and stays organized and makes sure it gets taken care of. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t lessons I can learn here about properly delegating.
I’ll write more about this in the days ahead. For now, your advice and input is not just welcome, but openly solicited.