When Did You Know?

When did you know you were a Dominant or a submissive? And how did you come to realize it?

I was raised on a toxic pablum of emasculation in the name of enlightenment and feminism. My parents brought me up in—and no doubt thought to save me from—a backwards culture where manliness and dominance directly equated to physical violence and mindless savagery. I was taught to hold this in contempt and avoid it in all its shades and flavors. As a result I did not see myself as a naturally dominant young man… but in hindsight the tendencies were there, always seeking alternate means of expression. I retreated into weirdness. I devoured knowledge. I learned to wield the sword and shield of comedy. In short, I became the weird kid who always had a smartass comment or an uncomfortable question at the ready. I became a loner and an introvert, preferring my own company rather than surrendering with good grace to the submissive standing my parents desired. Forbidden to find my natural place in the social order, I declined to take an unnatural one. Instead I chose to distance myself from the natural order entirely. In hindsight, I now realize that being the weird loner kid wasn’t weird at all; in fact, it was literally the only natural choice I had left.

I’m not really sure when I knew I was a Dominant. To be honest I’m not really sure I know it yet. Some Dominants are born just knowing; this wasn’t me. Others come into their dominance much later, by way of study and practice. I thought this was me… but my high-level intellectual splashings betray much deeper waters. These currents flow through dark channels cut through the bedrock of my soul, and have the imperturbable stillness of eternity about them. It’s been a steady progression of quietly becoming aware of having always known things. Embracing dominance for me is a continuous process of discovering the air I’m already breathing.

I’m not sure how it is for submissives. Beth says it was when we first read Fifty Shades of Grey and she realized that she wanted me to do all these kinky things we were reading about to her. And she didn’t just love the kink, but also the protection and control and care. I’ve read several accounts recently from submissives who had recurring fantasies about rape or enslavement, and felt troubled by how troubled these fantasies didn’t make them feel. They would learn about sexual submission and feel waves of relief as it suddenly all made sense. I also know a handful of submissives who are naturally very dominant but find themselves in a relationship where they want to give that dominance up to their partner. They find they enjoy it immensely, but by and large they retain their own dominance in other areas of their lives.

Switches… switches interest me. “How did you first learn you couldn’t make up your mind?” Heh. I tease, of course. When did you first learn you wanted to have it both ways?

As for me knowing when I was a Dominant… I don’t know. I’ll tell you when it happens, I guess. I realize that I’m well past the point where I ought to be 100% certain. I’m over many of the early speedbumps in discovering dominance. I can relax into dominance and draw strength from it when things get rough, rather than needing energy to sustain it and being forced to set it aside when life gets difficult. So I guess I really should know by now. But… the deeper I get the more I realize there is no bottom to reach. I don’t want to lose that sense of wonder. I’m surrounded by “air”, and it’s just… have you heard about this? This air stuff? It’s amazing. You should try it. It’s neat.

So when did you know?

10 thoughts on “When Did You Know?

  1. I hate to be the cliche but I am a cliche. It was after reading fsog that I was able to put the words to what it was I had felt and wanted for such a long time. Suddenly all those little pieces of the jigsaw came together and I saw the picture. So much of my last made sense then and suddenly the future was clearer too.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Love it. I wouldn’t call you cliche by a looooong shot! Your personal journey may have toured for a time along a widely recognized path but even then I’m sure you brought your unique perception to it.

      A big part of this post was sparked by reading your post on Labels, when you mentioned that realizing you were sexually submissive allowed you to jump straight into your “label” and embrace it. Beth went through the same path, but we stood with a lot more trepidation at the precipice, questioning if that was where we could go next.


      Liked by 1 person

  2. When did I know I was submissive – I don’t know. Good Night!

    No – I read FSOG and the kinky fuckery drew me in but it didn’t spark the D/s desire. Went on to start the Brie series and somewhere in there I thought maybe D/s was the next level I had been looking for our relationship.

    Despite the desire, the subfrenzy and all of the I AM SUBMISSIVE memes – I would say it was more recently in the last two years, after all of that shit fell away, that I felt Yes this is me.

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  3. I knew when I read the The Story of O and I loved the commitment she had for her Master despite all the rules and the “secret” times when he was sweet towards her. I loved that she loved him so much she would do anything for him, like the branding even though she knew it would be painful and that must be a pretty awesome relationship…..when I was like 13!

    I read more books and felt like slave described me almost perfectly. I had a friend who was also into these things and later on when we were older and we both weren’t finding anyone to do these things with, we did it with each other and it was better than expected.

    Then….I couldn’t make up my mind! I had a lot of play partners and realized that I didn’t like female Dommes. Trying it out for trying sake’s and I liked being the Top sometimes but topping males was awkward and uncomfortable for me even with knowing what they liked and wanted. Me being Dom was very rare and spontaneous feeling so that wasn’t explored much since I couldn’t commit to a relationship like that. I couldn’t figure out what makes me switch to Dom or back to sub and still can’t!

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  4. Pingback: When Did You Know? | Still Beth

  5. Pingback: Definitely Dom, but when? – ALPHA & kat

  6. Probably when I read the Beauty trilogy and wanted to be the Prince, even if he had to go through training as well. The spanking and the dominance clarified the need to at least explore the possibility of being a Dom. It’s still a work in progress.

    Liked by 1 person

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