How To Train Your Dom 8: Create Safety

This is part 8 of a series that I’m worried might never end, so I’m going to try to bring it to a close today. You can read the first post here.

There’s an overarching theme to all of the posts in this series, and that is to create the safety you both need to move forward. No seriously that’s it, you can stop reading now. I’m gonna carry on a bit (hence my concerns in the first sentence) but I’m basically just gonna bash on a bit more on this theme. Everything we’ve talked about so far has been about creating the safety within yourself to stop worrying that your relationship is coming apart, and the safety for your Dom to know that they can step up without worrying that they’re going to tip the relationship over.

Well, I say step up, but it’s really more of a step into. You can’t really control your Dom; if anything the whole point of D/s for a submissive is to learn to surrender that control. You can’t have the freedom of letting go without actually letting go. It’s a bit like standing on a merry-go-round, balancing opposite your partner. If you step into a slightly more submissive space, your partner is no longer directly opposite you. To reach the new balancing point of the relationship, they will naturally step slightly off to their side, in a slightly more Dominant space.

This is a Westernized metaphor; a better image might be the Yin and Yang symbol from Eastern thought. Yin and Yang are usually drawn as black and white and we may think of them as good and evil, but the terms are actually more closely aligned with the notions of male and female. One represents creation and the other destruction, but again it may be better to think of one as changing chaos into order and the other changing rigidity into freedom. The image is static, but is drawn to imply that the two forces are constantly in motion, circling each other. They do not represent life and death; they are both living forces; for this reason they are sometimes called the white and black tadpoles. They both represent change. These forces of change swirl and move throughout your relationship and within both you and your partner. In moving towards D/s, you are embracing the Yin or the Yang more purely and letting your partner take up the other half, but each is absolutely a force of change in its own way.

The title of this post is about safety, and my point here is that you cannot push your partner into the spot you want. Not even—and this is important—if you are the Dominant. New Doms, especially in relationships where the submissive initiated the D/s, must constantly learn where they can step and still keep the balance of the relationship. They can’t push you into your role any more than you can push them. How ironic is it that by trying to control your Dom, you might be hanging onto the very dominance they need you to give up in order for them to assume the dominance and authority you so desperately want? By letting go and moving yourself into a more submissive posture, you create the safety your Dom needs to realize they can step into that wonderful space.

There’s one last thought, also probably from the East; it is attributed to many but its precise origin may be lost to us. It is this: Don’t push the river—it flows by itself.

Give things time. Let that seed grow and stop digging it up to check on it. Let yourself sink naturally into your desired submissive posture, and let the balance of your relationship take care of itself. Don’t try to force what must come naturally. Rest assured that if you leave it alone, the river will flow by itself.

8 thoughts on “How To Train Your Dom 8: Create Safety

  1. Ah but it is so much sexier to have the control wrestled from you.
    I think particularly when you are asking for this it is silly to expect to have to fight you for the control. It’s like asking someone to write something down for you and then refusing to give them the pen.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m pretty sure anybody who wants your pens are going to have to fight you for them, Princess. 😉

      If we’re talking about consensual nonconsent, you’re absolutely right. Mmmmmmm, sexy! But yeah. I think the difference is whether or not you’re fighting for control of the relationship itself, or whether you’ve said “I surrender the control. I want you to fight me for the rest, I need you to break me and make me feel helpless and shattered and utterly owned so that there’s no fight left in me when you scoop up my pieces and pour me into bed and snuggle me.”

      Liked by 4 people

  2. I really like the metaphor of the river and the emphasis on balance. I found when I decided to sit back submissively he absolutely shifted and became more dominant. When I noticed it working, I sat back a little more, he stepped a little more forward. It’s almost like a very slow dance that is unfolding between us. It’s always testing my patience but I’m getting better!
    Thanks for a very interesting series MM!

    Liked by 3 people

    • I love the idea of the dance, yes. You lean back, he leans in, you lean back… always maintaining the balance and both of you knowing where you stand as you each push a toe further into your respective roles.

      P.S. Tomorrow’s post is all for you, SassyMagpie. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • In other news, “SayyidsGirl” and “SassyMagpie” look very similar first thing in the morning when I’m still waking up and am bleary-eyed. My apologies, SG! Tomorrow’s post is for SassyMagpie. I really can tell you apart, I promise!

        When I’m fully awake, anyway… 😀

        Liked by 1 person

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