This is part 3 of a series of posts exploring the question “How Do I Control My Dominant”. (First post here). We’ve talked about how the question is logically flawed but beautiful. Yesterday I talked about discovering that One Thing that you can fix in your relationship and the euphoria of realizing you can fix things at all. But after the rise comes the fall… let’s talk about that today.
Archimedes once famously said “Give me a lever long enough, and a fulcrum upon which to put it, and I can move the Earth.” With one elegant stroke of his quill, this famous inventor set in motion the entire science of being completely wrong by oversimplifying things to the point of stupidity.
Sorry, most people don’t spit on Archimedes like that. But I think we all know he’s a dirty dirty boy who likes it. Man ran naked through a town once shouting “Eureka! (I have found it!)”, is all I’m saying. You’re seriously gonna tell me that was because of his bathwater and not because his Domme was punishing him for misplacing her favorite crop? Who are you going to believe here, me or this so-called “historical fact” nonsense? BUT I DIGRESS.
There’s this amazing thing that happens when you start out in a new field of study. You find a simple principle and it yields great results, and you suddenly think that you can use this principle anywhere and everywhere. You’re not yet experienced enough to see the subtleties of the principle, or the contexts that surround it. To the man who has only a hammer, every problem in the world looks like a nail.
It’s like discovering that you can get somewhere twice as fast by running instead of walking, and you think “hey, I’ll never walk anywhere ever again because obviously!” And it takes a while for the evidence to sink in. When you try to do a 10-mile walk in half the time, you discover there’s something wrong with your body. When you try to take your sweetie for a romantic moonlight drag along the beach, you discover that she’s not willing to put a little effort into your relationship anymore. And when you try to help carry the casket at a funeral, all the other pallbearers suddenly start giving you serious attitude.
When the only tool you have is a hammer, eventually some problems start looking like a smashed thumb.
You have this great way to fix one thing! It works! Why doesn’t it work on everything?
It gets worse. When you discovered that solution, you got excited and went looking for other problems, didn’t you? And some of them didn’t get fixed and others you can see but can’t quite reach and even if you just count the ones you can find and fix there are suddenly So. Many. Problems!
A relationship is a complicated, changing, living thing. A simple little tool like “find a part you don’t like and fix it” is pretty much guaranteed to be able to find something to work on and make a good change. But it’s also doomed to fail at fixing the relationship as a whole. Even if you could fix all the parts of your partnership—and to be clear here, you can’t—you would discover that the relationship was more than the sum of its parts.
This is an influence that can drive a submissive to the brink of madness with frustration. You don’t wake up thinking “How Can I Control My Dom”. It’s all the tiny little things that you want to fix, and you don’t know how. And it can be frustrating. Suddenly you notice all the things that are broken: how your Dom is not communicating, how they’re not taking the lead, how they’re saying they understand and then not doing anything, how they try something once and you like it but then they don’t do it again. Argh! How did fixing one thing turn into all the things being broken?!?
I promised that we’d get to answers eventually, but there’s still at least one more thing we need to look at tomorrow. We’re getting there, I promise. For now, we’re still reflecting on how we got here: Learning to fix a problem… makes it so that now you can see all the other problems.
And that’s a problem.