Yesterday I started a series of posts on How To Train Your Dom (first post here), and I talked about the question “How Do I Control My Dominant?”. I pointed out that it is a logically flawed question, but is still a beautiful question nonetheless. To be clear I’m going to spend several days just talking about the question. I don’t know if I’m going to get to answers at all this entire week. Seriously.
Sorry about that.
But I hope you’re cool with it, because this question really is that great.
Today I want to talk about the “One Thing” phenomenon. That’s not an official name or anything, it’s just something I made up to describe the concept. Here’s what it feels like:
You’re living your life, having a relationship. Things are… well, they’re not perfect. Maybe things are mostly okay, or maybe they’re mostly bad, but either way there’s always this nagging splinter in your mind. You and your partner discover D/s and you decide “what the heck, let’s try it.” You learn some things, you play around, you get a little kinky and it’s not bad. It’s not changing anything, really, but it’s a fun distraction.
Then one day you turn to your partner and say “I’m worried that you didn’t like it when we did that thing last night.” And your partner says “No, no! I loved that thing! We can do that thing again! Seriously, any time you want.” A few nights later you’re playing around and you start to do that thing, and this time your partner smiles because they know what’s coming and they know you know it’s okay to do it. And you have an amazing time, and the sex is fantastic and all the next day there’s a bounce in your step and you don’t know why.
It’s like that splinter in your mind has eased up. Things still aren’t perfect, but… well, you found One Thing. You looked at your relationship, and talked about your relationship, and you found One Thing that you could change. One Thing you could add to spice things up, or maybe One Thing you could fix. One Thing.
How could one thing—one little thing—make you so happy?
Because where there’s one thing… there’s a another. And another. And another. You’re happy, not because you made an improvement to your relationship, but because you discovered this formula:
Marriage + Fix One Thing = Better Marriage
It’s not the One Thing itself that’s making you happy. It’s the discovery that you can fix things. That splinter in your mind is still there, but you have just discovered tweezers.
So what does that have to do with training your Dom? Well, prior to discovering that One Thing, you didn’t have any way to fix anything your relationship. But now you’ve discovered a thing. And maybe you went on to discover another and another. You change a rule. You fix a bad habit. You start a good habit. You start realizing that “I don’t like X + Let’s fix X = Better X” applies to more things—maybe everything. Maybe you can fix all the things in your relationship!
Sooner rather than later, in my experience, the submissive partner thinks “I don’t like the way my Dom is topping me”, and it’s now the most natural thing in the world to say “Let’s fix the way my Dom is topping me.” And that leads the sub to the question of training their Dom.
So let’s look again at how we got here. There was this amazing surge of empowerment and then it went away, and now you’re struggling to get it back. I think that’s where some of that frustration and impatience comes from. Think for a moment about how you were before you started D/s, when you were just unhappy and didn’t know why or what to do about it. Would you even care? Would you even know you could care?
Sure the question “how do I control my Dom” is logically flawed. But how awesome is just getting to this question in the first place?