My last two posts have been about trying things out on yourself so that you have an idea of what your sub is going to experience. Canes and butt plugs especially are toys that can cause an exponential amount of pain and if you don’t know the fundamentals you’re going to have no clue how much damage you’re causing. You can go right past safewords and into injury, which in turn can seriously hurt your dynamic. We all know 50 Shades is not the most trustworthy BDSM reference but there’s a grain of truth in how the first novel ended with Ana breaking up with Christian.
Beth and I actually tried anal a decade before getting into D/s. The experience was so awful for her that we declared that entrance Off-Limits Forever™. The timeline for repairing that trust involves lots of tiny steps and many, many reassurances. We talked about anal sex off and on the first year we were in D/s and both emphatically agreed that it was Not For Us™. I let her know I was open to exploring that angle but that I would not pressure her.
Off and on I would have her try massaging my prostate while pleasuring me orally, because I enjoyed it way more than my conservative upbringing was prepared to admit. I did not have a plan to use this activity to help me get into her ass, but this was definitely a stepping stone. It let her see that entering any anus was not automatically a ticket to agony for the anal enteree.
I need to make a whole separate post about psychological conditioning, but for now suffice it to say that I do it to her and she consents to it but she doesn’t usually know what conditioning I’m doing until after her behavior has changed. We have done this enough times that we now actually have discussions about what things I want to hack into her brain. The very first time we discussed conditioning her past a hard limit, the limit was anal sex. We had a LOT of history invested in her learning to trust me messing with her head. We talked about how I would approach the limit in her conditioning, taking care not to trigger the backfire effect (i.e. accidentally reinforcing her aversion to anal). We discussed the conscious bits of consent I would need from her before I could begin (I had, after all, committed to not even touch her back there, and I needed her consent to begin doing so). We discussed the steps in the plan I would use, buying a set of training butt plugs, and starting out with just one finger before working her up to the first plug. And most importantly, I reassured her that if she submitted to all of these steps and we completed the training regimen and her body still responded negatively, I would abandon the research.
That last bit was pretty important. Yes, I was horny to get my cock up her bum, but seeing her in pain, distress, or displeasure is a huge turnoff for me. If we did everything and I got up in there and she hated every second of it, I wouldn’t want to keep doing that.
Beth trusted me to put her feelings over my sexual appetites, and she consented to anal training and conditioning. It was all very informal, very slow, full of feedback and learning. It ended with Beth and I moving anal sex firmly into the “we both enjoy this” column, and this in turn was a big step towards Beth realizing that she wanted to surrender all of her limits to me and formally change our relationship to TPE. But that’s getting ahead of the story. 😉
The point of this post is that you can repair damaged trust, but with some kinds of damage it’s better to not cause harm in the first place. It’s like polishing a gouge out of fine woodwork: thousands of soft strokes are required to buff out the damage caused by one thoughtless scrape, all the while reassuring trust that the thoughtlessness will not happen again. It’s worth it, of course, and a positively charged dynamic will naturally find and heal many such issues, but it’s far better to not scar them up in the first place.