Before we began this crazyfun adventure that is D/s, I had some preconceived notions about being the dominant in the relationship. I’ll address some of the others in a future post. Right now I want to talk about how draining the first six to nine months of being Beth’s Dom was for me.
We started in DD (Domestic Discipline). We discussed early and often that, for DD to work, it had to work for both of us. I came into DD thinking that being the Dom meant all play while the sub does the work, and—stop laughing, you had hilariously wrongheaded ideas when you started out, too! As I was saying, I was quickly disabused of this notion. Being a Dom is a lot of work.
First there was the planning. I quickly discovered that getting Beth to do her chores was 10% willpower and 90% cunning, laying plans and setting schedules to match her energy levels. Then there was the execution, which meant keeping us on the plan when life threw us its standard ration of distractions, annoyances and emergencies.
Next was the emotional drain of actually carrying through on the punishments. It tears me apart to see her suffer, and the first few spankings she literally had to lay on my lap and talk me through where to strike, how to hold her, and what things she could do to make the punishment more palatable to me. Above all else I needed a constant stream of encouragement from her, reassuring me that this really was what she wanted.
Third was the effort to learn and exert self-control. To be fair I knew this was good for my character and I needed to do it anyway, but I admit there were times when I was really tired and I thought to myself that things might be better if we quit DD and I didn’t have to push so hard to make myself better.
And fourth was the constant vigil to deal with things that weren’t in our explicit agreement yet somehow fit into our overall charter. This usually involved confronting Beth about behaviors that we had not yet agreed to govern, and she’d feel bad that we’d found a new way for her to fail. Then I’d dig her out of that pit and get her head back in the game.
It was, to put it bluntly, exhausting. We started having regular conversations on the topic of “what’s in it for me”. If you’re starting out topping in D/s or DD or any other dynamic, I urge you to find the answers to this question for yourself. My reasons won’t be your reasons, but by way of example, here are some of the answers we came up with:
Lots of hot sex! Domestic Discipline as a dynamic doesn’t formally extend to sexuality and D/s, so it’s a regular occurrence to hear someone ask, “Um, excuse me, but, uhhh, should I be this horny all the time?” Even though it’s often not mentioned, my experience is that most DD practitioners find themselves running a little damp in the panties. We embraced this full-on. We’re in our 40’s and have been married for over 20 years, and for the past 5 years we have had more and better sex than we have ever had. Our first year of marriage we had sex maybe 3-4 times a week and I probably had 20-25 orgasms a month. Last month I had 63. (Yes I counted. It was really sexy, not creepy. Okay it was also a little bit creepy. But my point is, it was also really sexy.)
Control. The discovery of control as a potent aphrodisiac has made all the world of difference. I don’t get off on inflicting pain on Beth, but her naked tush wiggling helplessly on my lap, and me knowing I have the power to control how long and how intense her spanking will be… oooh, I’m getting shivers just writing about it. This has spilled over into our sex life as well, with we me applying the exquisite torment of pushing her near a limit and then holding her there by sheer force of will and the nearly narcotic sensation she gets from surrendering and feeling helpless.
Power over our relationship. We talk about our marriage and our dynamic constantly. I have the power to simply renegotiate the arrangement at will. This means if I see her suffering or I find myself unhappy, I have been entrusted with the keys to the kingdom and I can change anything and everything necessary to make things the way we want them. Imagine being in a nearly perfect marriage, and any time something annoys you, you can wave a magic wand and say “No more of that.” It’s actually kind of like that. What’s not to love?
Trust, love, reverence, adoration from my sub. Yes it’s a lot of work for a Dom to set up a play session, but I absolutely love one-sided, dominant sex. Telling Beth out of the blue that it’s time to worship my cock and hearing her squeal with excitement as she drops whatever she is doing. Kissing her goodnight and leaving her with instructions to wake me in the morning by presenting her lubed anus and begging me to fill her. Whispering “get wet for me” in her ear and feeling her whole body shudder in my arms as her conditioning takes over and she feels her pussy obeying my command. This woman’s submission is humbling and I adore her endlessly for it, but there is no doubt in my mind that she also worships me in return.
All… the other things. There’s more, I’m sure. But those are the big ones. I have been given the peace and security to know that my marriage will be all right because Beth and I have agreed on a clear and effective course of action to fix anything that goes wrong inside it.
I didn’t figure these out for the first few months and some of them I had to negotiate agreement with Beth to obtain. Little details here and there have added up over the years to where we’ve sort of slid into a 24/7 TPE because everything we’ve been working on has been working so well that we decided to just chuck it all into the D/s basket and stop worrying about what part of our lives is inside our dynamic or outside of it.
You’ll have to work out your own answers for yourself, but as for me… what’s in it for me?
Everything I ever wanted.